August 4, 2026 | Issue Archive​

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I wasn't really listening.

My wife and I have discovered something many couples discover when they get married a little later in life.

Love isn't the same thing as understanding.

By mid-life, you've developed habits. Assumptions. Communication styles. Ways of seeing the world that have worked well enough to get you this far.

Then one day, you realize the person sitting across from you sees the exact same situation... completely differently.

And somehow, you both leave the conversation feeling misunderstood.

A few weeks ago, after one of those conversations, I realized something uncomfortable.

I wasn't really listening.

I was preparing my defense.

As an introvert...
As someone who naturally wants to solve problems...
As someone who believes almost every challenge has a path forward...

...my instinct isn't curiosity.

It's explanation.

I explain.

I defend.

I reassure.

I present evidence.

In other words, I try to convince the other person that my perspective is the right one.

The conversation that exposed this for me centered around my business.

Like many speaking businesses, ours has seasons. Summer tends to be quieter. Then fall fills up. It's a rhythm I've come to expect.

My wife was expressing something very real: the uncertainty of it all.

Without thinking, I started presenting my case.

"We've just had the best twelve months in my speaking career."

"We started the year with our best two-quarter streak yet."

"Summer is always slower."

Every one of those statements was true.

None of them answered what she was actually asking.

She wasn't asking me to explain the numbers.

She was asking whether she was safe.

That realization hit me again this week as I read a recent Harvard Business Review article on team dynamics. The authors identify one of leadership's biggest traps as justification—our tendency to explain, defend, and rationalize our behavior instead of examining it with curiosity.

I laughed.

Not because it was funny.

Because it described me perfectly.

Not as a keynote speaker.

As a husband.

The article also makes another observation that I can't stop thinking about:

That is true of leadership teams.

It's true of marriages.

Families.

Friendships.

And probably every meaningful relationship we'll ever have.

For years, I believed conflict was bad.

I don't know exactly where I learned that.

Maybe childhood.

Maybe simply wanting everyone to be okay.

But somewhere along the way, I adopted the belief that healthy relationships meant avoiding conflict.

I've since replaced that belief with another.

Conflict isn't the enemy.

Poorly handled conflict is.

Handled with humility...

Handled with curiosity...

Handled with enough care to understand before trying to be understood...

Conflict becomes one of the fastest paths to growth I've ever experienced.

I've also realized something else.

Being right and making someone feel understood are not the same thing.

In leadership...

In marriage...

In parenting...

In friendship...

The people who make the greatest impact aren't necessarily the ones with the best arguments.

They're the ones who create enough safety that another person feels seen.

Maybe that's the real beginning of community.

Not agreeing.

Understanding.

This Ends Now

Stop defending before you've understood.

The next time someone disagrees with you, resist the urge to explain.

Your first job isn't to prove your perspective.

It's to understand theirs.

This Moment Matters

Ask one question before offering one answer.

"Help me understand how you're seeing this."

You may still disagree.

But you'll almost certainly have a better conversation.

And sometimes...

that's where the breakthrough begins.

Up we go—

P.S. If someone forwarded this to you and you want it in your inbox every week—subscribe here.

P.P.S. If you happen to know a team or an organization looking for a keynote speaker this fall... feel free to make an introduction. It probably won't solve every communication challenge at home... but my wife might appreciate the gesture. 😉